The speed of a downfall of a free society is in direct proportion to the number of idiots who are motivated to vote. Now get me another pint o' the black stuff.
– Irish philosopher Paddy O'McLaoTzu
Shortly before the Revolutionary War, one-third of the colonists were for independence, one-third were content with a confiscatory tax system and a dependency culture and one-third were apathetic, ignorant or unaware of what was going on.
Today we have nearly the same three-way split. The only difference is that these days the apathetic, ignorant or unaware are mobilized to vote by any number of special interests, and it just can't be a good thing for America as we know it – er, knew it.
Long ago, it was actually considered a bad idea to convince the uninformed and ignorant to vote. These days, "undecideds" as they're called, are a heavily courted voting bloc. They're rounded up and put in rooms where they can directly question presidential candidates. They're interviewed, monitored, polled, tested and hooked up to electronic devices so their reactions can be graphed in real-time – it's like an astronaut training program for idiots.
There's now a label of nobility applied to political apathy. Ignorance is the new pink. If you're "undecided" one month before an election, it's because you're a pondering, pragmatic human being. You're open-minded and accepting of change. These people are called "undecided voters" because "people who haven't really been paying attention" doesn't sound contemplative enough.
These are the kinds of people who fall for the old "Don't forget to vote on Nov. 5" joke. Some call the successful implementation of that gag "disenfranchisement," but I call it "gullibility in the national interest." To-may-to, to-mah-to.
Worse yet, those who have or had no desire to vote whatsoever are often mobilized at the last minute by the liberal Hollywood elite who rally the dingbat brigades like Gen. Patton after a handful of Quaaludes and a lobotomy.
This brings us to the latest liberal voter drive drivel to come from Hollywood.
The other day I ran across a five-minute video for a website called "DeclareYourself.com." The video features a laundry list of liberal Hollywood actors encouraging viewers to register to vote and to vote for Democrats (they never spell out that last part, but the "nudge, nudge" factor is so high I was knocked off the left side of my chair while viewing the ad).
Why is it that every movement that has the intention of rallying snoozers and dopes is a Democrat push? If Republicans are always the ones being called stupid, why is it that the Democrats are the ones out there marshalling the motor voter short bus into polling place parking lots?
As a matter of fact, "The dipstick factor" is one of the greatest challenges for any pollster, because they're never quite sure how many idiots can be rallied by Halle Berry on any given day (there are too many unknown variables in the equation, such as what top she'll be wearing versus what temperature it is when she records the ad).
Much of the recent roundup of undecideds began with the MTV generation, when the entertainment industry realized that doofuses were attracted to the sound of liberal Hollywood's pan flute, culminating in "Pied Piper of Ritalin" style organizations like "Rock the Vote."
The Rock the Vote movement, which began in 1990 in an effort to get young people to register to vote for any candidate they wished as long as it was a Democrat, was fairly successful, though it's almost impossible to measure how many people were registered to vote against how many of those people actually voted. The reason is because it's difficult to tell how many registrants were distracted by the mall on their way to the polls.
The people distracted by the mall needed to be further threatened, so Diddy's "Vote or Die" campaign was born. If liberals are serious about getting ignoramuses to vote, they should stop with the physical threats and instead call it "Vote or no television" or "Vote or you'll never get the Halo 3 cheat codes."
All I'm getting at is this: What's wrong with a little test that one must pass to register to vote?
This "test" doesn't have to be anything too complex. We should simply ask, "Why are you voting?" If answer contains the name of any celebrity, the person will be removed from the building, and the only vote they are ever allowed to cast will be for the next "American Idol."